Maybe I'm going through a midlife crisis... I'm not sure what happened to incite this urgent need to get my poop in a group before turning forty. Forty is, after all, just another number. I'm grateful to be alive, but feel as though I must work much harder towards making my life not only mean something, but also be at peace with my being.
Life has been good to our family. We've had our ups and downs, faced major life changes, diagnoses, graduations, and more. As my 40th birthday quickly approaches, I'd like to enter forties in a better place than I entered my thirties.
I was a pretty big grinch on my 30th birthday. We were stationed in Germany, I had a 1 year old and a special needs 4 year old. I hadn't made friends and my spouse was working odd hours. I was super lonely, struggling being a new-ish mom and adjusting to being a military spouse. It just wasn't a real good time of my life. A decade later and some things have changed and some things have remained the same. My spouse has retired from the military and works a job with "normal" hours, our kids are older and we are homeschooling, I still struggle to make friends but I want to be proactive about this upcoming decade.
As I look back on my 20's and 30's, I see someone who wanted to fit in, who wanted to be super woman, who tried to please everyone and be accommodating. I see someone who worked diligently to not be too much, who starved her self just to be close to 200lbs. Who let doctors convince her she needed to have weight loss surgery. I'm not saying certain attitudes and beliefs in our society aren't beneficial or that all doctors pressure their patients into unnecessary surgery; but, what I'd really like to know, is who am I? What do I really like and enjoy out of life? Do I actually like the trending food, fitness, and/or beauty products OR am I simply consuming them for the sake of consuming?
And it the midst of all this, I wonder about my health. We have been sold a sad biased story that weight alone correlates with health. Through a great deal of research, we know this is a half truth. So what does health look like? Is it a pant size, a relationship, a certain level of fitness, or lack of loneliness? After being on an insane amount of diets, talking to health experts and much contemplation, I have no idea what healthy looks like for me... and for some reason, I really want to start to figure this out as I approach my 40th birthday. I'm not sure what this will look like? Will I add more exercise in my life? How do I stick to healthier habits? Will I focus on weight loss? Will I have a food diary? I've tried everything before, so how will I make long lasting changes? I'm not sure, but what I do know is that I'm not happy where I am and its time to try and make a difference.
Who am I?
I'm a regular everyday middle-age mom, retired Military Spouse, homeschooling parent, Herbalist, Usui Reiki Master Teacher, and seeker of a [whole]istic life.